he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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