the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
