I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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