We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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