I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
