you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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