The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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