Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
no you cant smoke seaweed
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
