im six kinds of drunk right now
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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