I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
