I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
