You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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