Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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