Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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