there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
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There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
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Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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