I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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