he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
