why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
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