So drunk its hurt
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
mondays should just be called national damage control day
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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