Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
