The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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