the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
