you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
