3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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