mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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