this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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