Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize