I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
