Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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