I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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