you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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