So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
