she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
im holly from the hills drunk
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
