My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have feelings that need drinking.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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