2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
