remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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