mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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