we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
