I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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