I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize