If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
