The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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