yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
