I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
