I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
