$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
