I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
