i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
