I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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