I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
