That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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