He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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