Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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