just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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